It's happening again. I'm not sure how or why or when, but it's hitting me like a freight train. My PPD is coming back with a a fiery vengence and I have no idea what to do to stop it. The crying never ends, between three babies. I have one crawling and biting all over me, tipping things over and trying to eat things off the floor. Jonathan has pooped twice today, Harrison has as well, and Michaela is simply sitting in her bouncy seat staring at me like the crazy woman I am. I had to double my pills today, which are still doing nothing. I want to throw things, pull my hair out, scream and cry just like the babies do. It's not fair - it's not fair to them, to have a such a mother that falls apart constantly and battles every day to climb out of bed. I have nightmares about terrible things happening to them because I'm not paying good enough attention, because I have to take breathers because otherwise I will lose my cool. I just can't stand it, alone all day in this house with three tiny people that NEED NEED NEED. When do I get a break? When do I get something that I need? I know that being a parent means giving up your entire identity to make sure these tiny people turn into well-adjusted, productive members of society, but would it hurt them to cry for fifteen minutes while I sneak a cigarette because I can't do it anymore? Will it permanently damage my son to be stuck in his play pen for a half hour, watching Barney, while I sob into my pillow in my bedroom?

I love my children. They mean everything to me. But I am losing my sanity, I am losing who I am as a person, and each day is getting harder and harder to will myself to get out of bed. I have no idea what to do - I'm on medication, I'm on cannibis. I have no choice but to do what I'm doing, I just wish I had any kind of idea how to do so with grace and happiness. I just want to love my life, I want to love what I do all day long, I want my kids to remember me smiling and happy and fun. Not barely able to get off the couch or hiding away in my bedroom while Netflix babysits. I want help. But I have no idea where to even begin.